Farewell to lies and textbooks, but I'm keeping my arms.

I have never been awake for such a crummy sunrise as I was on January 11. I have nothing but respect for the way God paints the skies, but the beauty was nearly hidden by overcast clouds, to be completely honest. I kept telling myself it was a new day, but the thought was immediately followed by the next; it was not a new day that I wanted. I hadn’t asked for it. I resented that I couldn’t return it to customer service. But God does not take bargains. God just takes over. There’s no way to pause the sunrise. I learned that the hard way. I went home, I cleaned my apartment, I went to the classes I grew to despise.

Christmas Day is a twenty-four hour block that we tend to celebrate our family with the amount of crap we’re willing to give them. I celebrate the manifestation of redemption in the flesh. In a more painful way, it was on Christmas Day that I was redeemed. The ball started rolling, and it was a slow process. It is over four months later and I am still waiting for the end.

These classes that I went to…they were my identity. Every class I’d taken, every textbook I’d read, every test that I had taken and term paper that bore my name took on part of me just as it had taken on the printer’s ink. And I sat in them on January 11, running through the events that were beginning to unfold and redefine the world I lived in. Nearly four months have passed; two more days will meet the mark. In the proverbial grand scheme of things, four months is not a long time by any means. I call sets of them “semesters.” Yet this one was the hardest one, and this one took eternity to end.

On January 5^th, I got a flat tire.

On January 7^th, I reclaimed my heart and gained a new friend.

On January 11^th, I lost perspective because I thought I’d lost another.

On January 13^th, I interviewed for a job I was sure I’d get.

On January 14^th, I lost my expensive car key to a lame roller coaster.

On January 15^th, I got a flat tire. Again.

On January 16^th, I got my oil changed, and my tired patched for free. I was naïve enough to think it was over.

On January 23^rd, I got a ticket.

On February 20^th, I quit being the student I felt like I needed to be and went to a party disguised as a rock show.

On February 23^rd, I postponed one trip and went on another.

On February 24^th, I made friends with a new journal and renounced every demon that has held me down since the early beginnings of my childhood.

On February 26^th, I made some new goals for myself. I wrote them on a mirror to see them in my reflection.

On February 27^th, my grades paid the price and I lost my life goals, security, and identity within a matter of hours. I made a new deal with God, and I haven’t made life plans on my own since.

On February 28^th, I was swept away.

On February 29^th, I got the chance to spend a day or two adding to the Adventures.

On March 1^st, I didn’t get the job.

On March 4^th, I learned that in most cases, the body of Christ fails to meet the needs of the marginalized.

On March 11^th, a sixty-day drought ended.

On March 17^th, I drove hundreds of miles on three hours sleep and it was wonderful because I am blessed. I got made fun of for driving tame, but I didn’t get pulled over once.

On March 18^th, I co-wrote a paper that wasn’t mine on a book I’ve never read.

On March 20^th, I slept in my car. Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me.

On March 28^th, I became better friends with my dad. [My dad’s awesome].

On April 3^rd, I got schooled and disillusioned.

On April 8^th, I got honest and a vision. Good things will happen because of it.

On April 10^th, I got humble. I have a long way to go.

On April 16^th, I took a step forward.

On April 18^th, I scheduled my life for the latter four months of 2007.

On April 28^th, I got another ticket, gained perspective, lower-back pain, and better friendships.

On April 29^th, I got mad at America’s insatiable greed.

On May 1^st, I got a much-needed love letter.

On May 4^th, I woke up with less homework, less guilt and easier breaths.

On May 5^th, I got a book I’ve been wanting to read, someone else’s story.

On May 8^th, I got a warm, fuzzy feeling.

On May 9^th, I had a good day.

On May 10^th, I wrote this at 2 in the morning.

This is my story. I spent hours with dear friends, mostly on Tuesdays, doing little more than conquering Guitar Hero and sharing each other’s lives. I’ve been given countless bites to eat, and you will get greater reward than I can offer for it. I missed the calls that came to me and mostly left messages on those I made. Countless hugs warmed my heart, and the course of my spirit was altered by your prayers.

If you’re reading this, you probably had a hand in this season. You’re a part of this chapter. The hand of God is clutching my heart through my chest, pulling me from the grave. Christmas Day lacked the peace I expected it to have, and was a catalyst of change. This is not over. I have important relationships to repair, wounds that I still must have healed.

Tomorrow is May 11, 2007. The sun will rise on a new day, a welcome day, and begin a new set of four months. I will learn new things, meet new people, and bear more light. I will shed more tears, have more laughs, see more darkness and experience new rescue. I will lead, and I will reclaim. I will write and play and read and run and love more deeply than I’ve ever been capable. I will get tired, and I will try harder. I will feel defeated but I will have victory. I will move and I will sleep under several roofs and I will write more letters and continue this story. I will come, see, and conquer. I will return to the classroom in fall just like before, but this time I will be free. My identity will not be printed on paper, double-spaced in twelve-point font. I will not be defined by letters. I will be given grace and confidence and love. Hope will wake me up in the morning. This is not a farewell to arms. This is a call to rise.